We all are.
Itâ€s a side effect of the way our mind makes sense of the world.
Let me explain.

Let’s say that your brain didn’t use your experience to help you understand the world.
Your perception of every object, in every moment, would be brand new, and you would spend all your time and attention trying to make sense of the simplest experiences.

Thatâ€s not how your mind works.
Instead, your mind finds patterns in your experience, and tries to fit every new situation into an existing pattern, so you know how to act with minimum conscious thought.
This leaves your conscious mind free to focus on the truly new situations that you experience.

How wonderful it would be if we could calmly, clearly, and consciously analyze our new experiences.
Unfortunately, our mind forces new things into old patterns, even when they donâ€t fit.
And when we encounter something that doesnâ€t fit at all into our established patterns, our first instinct is to protect ourselves, while we see if the situation is dangerous.

Itâ€s the same when we think about changing how we live, or who we are.

You really want those changes.
And you find it pretty easy to imagine how wonderful such a life would be.

Still, part of you doesnâ€t recognize that new “you”. The imagined you doesnâ€t fit into your existing patterns of safe experience, and is treated with caution, until that new you can be experienced and proven safe.

But will you ever get to experience that new you?
If a new you might be dangerous, the safest alternative is to completely avoid becoming that new you.
And for many of us that danger and fear stops us from making real progress toward our dreams.

The Shared Experience of Joy and Pain
Pain shared is lessened, joy shared is increased Spider Robinson

There are two ways of experiencing the world.

• Isolated. You can experience the world, even people, as objects – unendingly separate and different than you
• Connected. Or, you can experience the world as a thick web, with endless connections between you and everything that seems outside of you

Most of us live with a combination of both points of view, although the isolated, object point of view usually dominates us.

It doesnâ€t seem to be a choice, though.
The way we live is strongly shaped by our personality, and many influences that surround us.

But you have a choice.
You can choose to move toward a life of greater connectedness, or greater isolation.

And that choice is not as simple as being sociable, or moving away from people. You can be highly sociable with people in a superficial way, so that you remain isolated within.

Do you experience joy and pain in isolation? Are your joys and suffering something that exists only within you?

As the above quote suggests, joy and suffering are different when shared.

Suffering doesnâ€t disappear by sharing it, by expressing it to those that your heart truly connects with.
But the pain is different, weaker, more bearable.

Joy, on the other hand, is not weakened by sharing it with those who you have real connections to.
It grows, not only because others experience joy, but the joy in your own heart is different.

Stories of Joy and Pain
We have many experiences of joy and pain in our lives.

If someone asks you to tell the story of your life, will you tell them a soap opera of every pain and pleasure and joy, regardless of meaning?

A good story has meaning.
And in our lives, there are moments of pain and joy that have great meaning for us.

You remember the powerful pain and joy that you have experienced.
But only some of those intense moments have led to a greater you.

You may still be wounded and trapped by the emotional pain of some of those moments. They may be little more for you than uncomfortable baggage that you carry around.
Then, there are other moments of pain that you faced, and through the challenge of the situation, you grew.

Some of your experiences of joy were only momentary pleasures, and you may look back on them with longing, finding the past more pleasant than the present.
Or, your joy may come from the feeling of seeing something great and wonderful. It may have been a personal achievement, or a touch of something extraordinary.

Did those joys lead you to rededicate yourself to the values and actions which gave rise to them?

With that rededication, you grew, and became someone more capable of bringing such joy into your life, and the lives of your friends and family.

This joy and pain in our lives that challenged us to grow, brought us into the future. This is the joy and pain that is truly, personally meaningful.

To grow from such powerful experiences is difficult, for as weâ€ve said, weâ€re afraid to change

Were you all alone in those challenging moments?
Did you share these moments of challenge with the right friends, and become energized by their support? Did their help enable you to make those moments meaningful?

Safety in Numbers
Year after year, we make plans to find and live our dreams.
To get there, we must pass through changes that frighten us.

When you feel that you are not alone, you feel stronger.
Challenges that would frighten you, seem small with the support of others.

We can plan alone, and try to walk alone, and seek no help to achieve our dreams.
Or, we can find the right friends, mentors, and a mastermind group to support us, as we do the challenging work of becoming the person of our dreams.

The post Are You Afraid to Change? first appeared on Fearless Dreams.

Do you remember what it was like to be a child?

Not the frustration.
There was plenty of that.

Not the endless procession of “NO” and “You canâ€t do that.”

Not even the tantrum demands for something in a spirit of “Iâ€ve got to have this or Iâ€ll die.”

No. Not that either.

And for those of us who were loved, not even that wonderful ocean of warm love that surrounded us and made us feel safe.

What else is there?

Give up?

How about dreams, wishes, and a heart that can stretch from one end of the universe to another in a moment.
Thatâ€s what it means to be a child.

Despite what people say, thereâ€s no law that says you have to give up being a child when you become an adult.

We adults have many things that we wish for, long for, and cry for.
But not with the power that a child does.

As children, we knew that the world was magic, and full of endless possibility.
And hereâ€s the secret.
We knew that the endless possibility was not only outside of us, but inside of us, too.

Searching for Magic

Weâ€re all searching, desperate to find the magic again. We look for the perfect thing, person, experience, or other external something that will bring back the magic.
Sometimes we think that we catch a glimpse of it for a moment, before it disappears behind a cloud.

And then there is the world of personal development, self-improvement, etc.
Call it by your favorite name.

Weâ€re looking to add something inside of us that will bring the magic back: skill, behavior, knowledge.
And Iâ€m not knocking personal development.
There are so many wonderful ways that we can enrich ourselves.

But those ways canâ€t bring back the magic. The magic is something already inside of you, thatâ€s waiting to return.

Without it, a sonnet will be hollow.
With it, making an omelet or tying a childâ€s shoe will be indescribable.

Maybe we just need a little help to believe in the magic again.
Maybe we can find it together.

Maybe I can believe in the extraordinary possibility that lies waiting in you.
And you can believe in the magic that lies waiting to burst forth from me like a fountain.

And when we find it, it wonâ€t be someone elseâ€s magic that youâ€ve borrowed, or pretended that itâ€s yours.

Itâ€ll be yours alone, until you share it with the world.
And when you share it, it will grow bigger and bigger.

The post Make a Wish first appeared on Fearless Dreams.

In Part 1, Fear on Ice, we explored feeling trapped in a situation that we want to escape from, where weâ€re afraid to remain, and afraid to change.

In Part 2, Too Many Choices, we looked at having too many choices, and not being able to choose between them.

We also get trapped when we look for solutions to the challenges that face us. 

Solutions are great.  The problem arises when we keep jumping from one solution to another, without taking real action with any of them. 
What do I mean?

What if I have a particular goal? Letâ€s say I want to start an Internet Business. Iâ€ve got a pretty good idea why I want to do it, but I seem unsure what to do first.

Ok, so I look for and find an apparent solution. (Thereâ€s always someone waiting to sell me a solution, right? And there are many practical solutions out there.)

What happens next?

Example 1:
Diana struggles with the unfamiliar ideas of the solution, and some of the actions required that make her uncomfortable. And she takes action, makes mistakes, and learns. The unfamiliar ideas become familiar, and the uncomfortable actions become more comfortable. She faces more challenges, and uses additional ideas, solutions, and help when she needs it. She keeps moving in the direction of her goal.

Example 2:
Brian also struggles with the unfamiliar ideas, and the uncomfortable actions required by the solution. He focuses on listening or viewing the materials in the course. He reads the message boards, maybe even makes some great comments. He listens to all the calls.

But he doesnâ€t take any significant action beyond exploring the course.
After a while he canâ€t stand the discomfort of not getting anywhere, and he looks for a “better” solution. Itâ€s the Internet after all, so he has no trouble finding another solution. Maybe itâ€s better than the first one, or maybe itâ€s not.

Heâ€ll have an opinion on which one he likes better. But heâ€ll probably never know which one of the solutions fits him better.
Heâ€d have to take action, and really exercise the solutions to know how effective they are for him.

This can go on for years.
Sometimes Brian finally gets tired of doing nothing, and takes action.
Sometimes he runs out of spare cash.
Sometimes he gives up on his dream, and tells himself heâ€s hopeless.

I think the last case is the worst of all.
Unless youâ€re accumulating debt through endless, fruitless attempts, I think itâ€s better to keep the dream and do nothing, than give up the dream entirely.
With the dream still alive, thereâ€s the possibility that youâ€ll find some way to reach it.

But either way itâ€s sad.

Many of us are all too familiar with our friend Brian.
Weâ€ve bought books, e-books, software, audios, DVDs, seminars, and even mentoring that weâ€ve put to little use.

Welcome to our consumer society. Youâ€re trained to look for solutions outside of yourself, and there are only a few dollars that stand between you and that perfect solution.

And truthfully, is $27, $97, $297, or even $2997 too much to spend if thatâ€s all that separates you from your dreams?

Thereâ€s nothing wrong with looking for information and help outside of yourself. Human beings are extraordinarily adept at working with others, and at using tools and ideas to accomplish great things. And thereâ€s nothing wrong with paying for help, or ideas.

You must be confused by now.
First I complain that weâ€ve been trained to look outside ourselves for solutions, and then I talk about how good we are at leveraging help from outside of us.
Make up your mind, Joel.

Hereâ€s the heart of the matter.
Do we first look for solutions within ourselves?
Do we look to apply something we already know?
Do we look to take action as soon as possible?

Or do we react to a challenge or problem by looking for something or someone else to solve our problems? And do we look for a solution that requires us to do little or nothing?

Thereâ€s something seriously wrong with that.

Hey, I donâ€t believe in doing unnecessary work. There are plenty of things that I can do with my time. Iâ€m not trying to fill up the hours.

But we have the wrong idea about action. We think it just uses up our time that could be better spent relaxing, or being entertained, or even learning about something.

Action is the most extraordinary teacher there is. When I take action, it changes me and it teaches me. Action switches me “on”. It puts me in an extraordinarily receptive state to learning, and to further action.

Iâ€ve got to think of action as something that transforms me, not as something that wastes my time and uses up my life. Itâ€s action, not money, which is the key to getting unstuck.

And the secret to taking action is simple. Do something, anything in the direction of your dreams.

(Take a look at this blog entry from Ken McArthur on Internet Success and Taking Action)

The post Getting Unstuck, Part III: Buying Your Way Out Of Trouble first appeared on Fearless Dreams.

There are many people who consider reading and learning a complete waste of time. They would rather go out and do almost anything rather than learn. Give me a book that makes me think, or shows me a new world, and I would gladly sit for hours.

But there’s a dark side to this lust for reading and learning.

• Have you ever bought a book, and let it sit on the shelf forever?
• Have you ever bought instructional tapes or CDs, and left them half-finished, or not started?
• Have you ever gone to a seminar promising money or a new you, and find yourself the same a few days later?
• Have you acquired knowledge in all these different ways and still done nothing different with the knowledge you’ve gained?

That’s me. So what’s the big deal? Why isn’t the pleasure enough?

The pleasure of learning used to be enough for me, but not anymore. My addiction to learning is just one aspect of another addiction. I’m addicted to possibility. I want to explore what’s possible, and take my mind into places that it’s never gone before.

I think what’s different now is that I passionately want to see the possibilities in my mind appear all around me.

We all resist change, to a greater or lesser extent. And the more profound the potential change, the more we resist it. When we start to touch on the parts of ourselves where our greatest possibilities are, the resistance becomes a fortress. We find it so easy to say that we all live in our heads anyway, so what does it matter what we do?

I’m an introvert of sorts. When I was younger I used to dream about having my own island so I could be isolated, and not have to answer to anyone. I still enjoy quiet time alone, sometimes. But I’m convinced that our greatest possibilities live when we’re together with other people.

True, there are endless worlds of possibilities inside me alone, but there are many possibilities that can only live in the world where I come together with others, and these possibilities are far grander than any I can find alone.

And the simple key to it all is action. It’s not about choosing between learning and action. We need to bind them together in a living cycle: learning leads to action, which leads to learning, which leads to action.

The post Addicted to Learning first appeared on Fearless Dreams.